An Open Letter

Dear Everyone Who has called, emailed, whined, demanded, passive-aggressively requested, or otherwise insisted that I replace myself with several pleasant androids:

Murder is still illegal. And really, really messy. This is why you are fortunate. I am ONE person. ONE.

Please note:

I can do one, maybe two things at a time. That's it.

I can only be in ONE place at ONE time. If I could do otherwise, I wouldn't be working at all, let alone here.

If someone else moved something, and I was not aware that the thing in question was moved, there's little likelihood I'll know where it is. I can look for it, but if it's not any of the places it could very likely be, I can't do anything else.

I am not a bank. Checks are cut at the discretion of Accounts Payable, which is twice a week. I can request things from here til doomsday, but that won't get them to you any faster.

If I die of a stress-induced illness, you will have to find and train someone new. Good luck with that.

If you want me to drop everything I'm doing NOW for something that needs to be done RIGHT NOW, things that need to be done NOW will have to be done LATER, to make room for the things that must be done RIGHT NOW. Things that need to be done LATER will have to be done MUCH LATER as a result of this. If you have issues with this, please see your local expert in temporal mechanics.

If anyone else suggests I try yoga, they will be beaten senseless as part of a calming exercise.

Thank you, and Let's Go Yankees.

Sincerely:
The mental case in cubicle #1.

An Open Letter

Dear Everyone Who has called, emailed, whined, demanded, passive-aggressively requested, or otherwise insisted that I replace myself with several pleasant androids:

Murder is still illegal. And really, really messy. This is why you are fortunate. I am ONE person. ONE.

Please note:

I can do one, maybe two things at a time. That's it.

I can only be in ONE place at ONE time. If I could do otherwise, I wouldn't be working at all, let alone here.

If someone else moved something, and I was not aware that the thing in question was moved, there's little likelihood I'll know where it is. I can look for it, but if it's not any of the places it could very likely be, I can't do anything else.

I am not a bank. Checks are cut at the discretion of Accounts Payable, which is twice a week. I can request things from here til doomsday, but that won't get them to you any faster.

If I die of a stress-induced illness, you will have to find and train someone new. Good luck with that.

If you want me to drop everything I'm doing NOW for something that needs to be done RIGHT NOW, things that need to be done NOW will have to be done LATER, to make room for the things that must be done RIGHT NOW. Things that need to be done LATER will have to be done MUCH LATER as a result of this. If you have issues with this, please see your local expert in temporal mechanics.

If anyone else suggests I try yoga, they will be beaten senseless as part of a calming exercise.

Thank you, and Let's Go Yankees.

Sincerely:
The mental case in cubicle #1.