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Jan. 30th, 2002
take knife and twist.
Jan. 30th, 2002 11:19 amSo here I am at work again, with something that feels like a golf ball in my throat. UGH. The day's been kind of slow, so I've had nothing to do except ruminate on my convo with Pooj last night.
Apparently he's having a 'midlife' crisis and needed a 'clean slate.' So I was just a slate to him, and nothing more. Now, in therapy, he feels 'reborn.' Whatever. God, I am SUCH a fool. I can't believe that I was so taken in by everything he said. I believed every word. And I meant everything I said. And the whole thing was one lie after another. I believed everything. I let him in, the full access pass. And as usual when I let someone that far in, something gets broken, or destroyed.
I didn't think that it was possible for this to hurt more than it did. But it does. And I'm really angry now, too; but that frustrated kind of anger when I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Adding to this is how physically lousy I feel - tired and run-down and all of that. I just can't believe that all I was was something to clean off of a slate. And he was everything to me.
I'm going to search for some busywork.
Apparently he's having a 'midlife' crisis and needed a 'clean slate.' So I was just a slate to him, and nothing more. Now, in therapy, he feels 'reborn.' Whatever. God, I am SUCH a fool. I can't believe that I was so taken in by everything he said. I believed every word. And I meant everything I said. And the whole thing was one lie after another. I believed everything. I let him in, the full access pass. And as usual when I let someone that far in, something gets broken, or destroyed.
I didn't think that it was possible for this to hurt more than it did. But it does. And I'm really angry now, too; but that frustrated kind of anger when I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Adding to this is how physically lousy I feel - tired and run-down and all of that. I just can't believe that all I was was something to clean off of a slate. And he was everything to me.
I'm going to search for some busywork.
take knife and twist.
Jan. 30th, 2002 11:19 amSo here I am at work again, with something that feels like a golf ball in my throat. UGH. The day's been kind of slow, so I've had nothing to do except ruminate on my convo with Pooj last night.
Apparently he's having a 'midlife' crisis and needed a 'clean slate.' So I was just a slate to him, and nothing more. Now, in therapy, he feels 'reborn.' Whatever. God, I am SUCH a fool. I can't believe that I was so taken in by everything he said. I believed every word. And I meant everything I said. And the whole thing was one lie after another. I believed everything. I let him in, the full access pass. And as usual when I let someone that far in, something gets broken, or destroyed.
I didn't think that it was possible for this to hurt more than it did. But it does. And I'm really angry now, too; but that frustrated kind of anger when I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Adding to this is how physically lousy I feel - tired and run-down and all of that. I just can't believe that all I was was something to clean off of a slate. And he was everything to me.
I'm going to search for some busywork.
Apparently he's having a 'midlife' crisis and needed a 'clean slate.' So I was just a slate to him, and nothing more. Now, in therapy, he feels 'reborn.' Whatever. God, I am SUCH a fool. I can't believe that I was so taken in by everything he said. I believed every word. And I meant everything I said. And the whole thing was one lie after another. I believed everything. I let him in, the full access pass. And as usual when I let someone that far in, something gets broken, or destroyed.
I didn't think that it was possible for this to hurt more than it did. But it does. And I'm really angry now, too; but that frustrated kind of anger when I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Adding to this is how physically lousy I feel - tired and run-down and all of that. I just can't believe that all I was was something to clean off of a slate. And he was everything to me.
I'm going to search for some busywork.
stop firing at the messenger!
Jan. 30th, 2002 08:37 pmJust for the record, please stop tearing into Pooja. I specifically asked her that if she had any contact with him whatsoever and would feel comfortable discussing it with me, to please do so. Because we all know he isn't exactly the most truthful sort, and I figured if I got to see the lies he told to other people, maybe I could gauge the ones he told me. She's been really there for me and supportive in these long weeks, and we've really put all the stupid crap we had going for awhile behind us. She's a good person and a loyal friend so PLEASE get off of her back? Thank you.
stop firing at the messenger!
Jan. 30th, 2002 08:37 pmJust for the record, please stop tearing into Pooja. I specifically asked her that if she had any contact with him whatsoever and would feel comfortable discussing it with me, to please do so. Because we all know he isn't exactly the most truthful sort, and I figured if I got to see the lies he told to other people, maybe I could gauge the ones he told me. She's been really there for me and supportive in these long weeks, and we've really put all the stupid crap we had going for awhile behind us. She's a good person and a loyal friend so PLEASE get off of her back? Thank you.
(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2002 08:47 pm*sigh* I've also been invited to go out and see DJ Skribble tomorrow at a club around here, by Beyza, a real sweetie I work with at the writing center. She also said as long as I could get downtown, giving me a ride there won't be a problem. I just don't know if I should go...I think I will see how I feel in the morning. But it does sound like fun.
(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2002 08:47 pm*sigh* I've also been invited to go out and see DJ Skribble tomorrow at a club around here, by Beyza, a real sweetie I work with at the writing center. She also said as long as I could get downtown, giving me a ride there won't be a problem. I just don't know if I should go...I think I will see how I feel in the morning. But it does sound like fun.
cold turkey
Jan. 30th, 2002 10:28 pmThat's it. I've made a decision. He is officially dead. I am no longer going to think about him, talk about him, nor do I want to hear about him. That's the only way I'm going to get over this. And that's the way it is.
